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Aunt Becky, say it isn't so

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Kris Meltzer’s parody of the doctored photo used to get Loughlin’s daughters into USC. However, Meltzer has taken over as the coxswain and made Loughlin and her daughter rowers. It does appear that he has brought along a picnic basket, no doubt containing caviar and champagne.
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Dear readers,

Last week I had one of my usual recurring school dreams. Not the one where I am in high school and can’t remember my locker combination. It was the one where I am in college standing beneath the statue of Emil Faber, the founder of Faber College, reading the inscription, “Knowledge is Good.” The dream always seems like a scene from a movie.

Then I realize it was a movie. “Animal House,” starring John Belushi, Kevin Bacon, Donald Sutherland, Karen Allen, and Tim Matheson. The movie follows the crazy antics of those boys at the Delta Tau Chi fraternity nicknamed “Animal House.” From the Toga! Toga! Toga! party to accidently killing a horse in Dean Wormer’s office, the movie never fails to provide tons of sophomoric humor. Instead of getting kicked out of the college, Dean Wormer famously puts the Deltas on “Double Secret Probation.”

There have been other college movies such as “Back to School” starring Rodney Dangerfield, and “Legally Blonde,” with Reese Witherspoon and Luke Wilson. However, among Three Stooges fans everywhere, “Animal House,” is the gold standard. Until now, that is.

I dreamt that another wacky college comedy is in the works. It stars actress Lori Loughlin, and her daughters. You probably remember her as the adorable Aunt Becky from the TV sitcom “Full House.” For you old timers, like Jack Yeend, imagine Aunt Bea from the “Andy Griffith Show,” but a lot hotter. Instead of doting aunt to Opie, she is aunt to a cute little girl named Michelle played by those adorable Olsen twins, Ashley and Mary-Kate.

Anyway, the plot is ridiculously funny. Lori Loughlin has two daughters, Olivia Jade and Isabella Rose. The girl’s father is famous fashion designer, Mossimo Giannulli. The girls are, of course, rich, beautiful, and successful. However, they soon tire of the cocktail parties, red carpet events, and the bottomless champagne and caviar smorgasbord that defines their existence. The girls feel like something is missing in their lives and that something is college. Not a college education, but the college experience: game day tailgating, keg stands, beer pong, and toga parties.

Olivia and Isabella decide on the perfect college, the University of Southern California. Located a short limo ride from Beverly Hills, USC is practically in the neighborhood. It is the perfect college for the “Animal House” experience. Where better to have a toga party – the stadium is named the Coliseum and their teams are even named the Trojans.

The girls are all ready to enroll in USC when they discover a huge obstacle. They aren’t smart enough. Now this is where the funny really begins. Just when they think getting into college is impossible, they meet professional scammer Rick Singer.

Singer explains that college coaches have the ability to get athletes admitted even if they lack the necessary academic ability. In no time, the girls discover that their lack of intelligence is outstripped only by their lack of athletic ability. Singer tells the girls that they don’t have to actually do anything athletic, they just need to fake it.

The girls discover the perfect sport to fake. Unknown to most USC sports fans, on non-football Saturdays, the Coliseum, similar to Circus Maximus, is filled with water for boat races. The girls decide to be coxswains or at least fake coxswains. Singer cuts out the faces of the girls from an old fashion shoot and pastes them on photographs of real coxswains.

Of course, the coach at USC isn’t going to fall for this bit of trick photography. He needs some convincing. The convincing takes the form of mom, Lori Loughlin, bribing the coach with half a million dollars stuffed in a Louie Vuitton bag.

The scam works. The girls are admitted to USC. Just when it looks like smooth sailing, the FBI arrive and mom is thrown into the slammer on a million dollar bond. The million dollar bond is necessary to protect innocent college coaches from rich criminals trying to bribe them with sacks of cash.

I must have fallen asleep with the news on because this is not a movie script. It really happened. There is one additional fact too unbelievable to make up. At the time of Lori Loughlin’s arrest, her daughter, Olivia, was enjoying spring break on a yacht owned by USC Board of Trustees Chairman Rick Caruso.

It turns out there were hundreds of wealthy parents using scammer Rick Singer to bribe their kids’ way into colleges. The colleges haven’t decided as of yet what will happen to the kids. Maybe some of them will avoid being expelled and instead be placed on “Double Secret Probation” just like the guys in “Animal House.”