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Never spoil a good story with facts

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Image providedColumnist Kris Meltzer was the Officiant when local debutante, Brittany Smith, wed Kevin Zimny. When told of Meltzer’s offer to officiate weddings at “The Helbing,” Zimny said, “Oh man, we could have saved the 10 bucks.”
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Columnist Kris Meltzer was the Officiant when local debutante, Brittany Smith, wed Kevin Zimny. When told of Meltzer’s offer to officiate weddings at “The Helbing,” Zimny said, “Oh man, we could have saved the 10 bucks.”

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Dear readers,

This week the mailman delivered a letter from a retired mailman, Rock Robertson. It is always good to see a retired guy still loyal to his company. It is also always good to hear from Rock who is a childhood friend of mine. But first, a major announcement concerning “The Helbing.”

Economics majors always say, “There is no such thing as a free lunch.”

Just the type of thing you would expect to hear from those who study the “Dismal Science.” I do know that there is such a thing as a free wedding. June is just around the corner. Do you know any couples planning on tying the knot? Are they are looking for an officiant who will help tie the knot for free? Then send them my way.

The lucky couple or couples will be responsible for obtaining their own marriage license. I will officiate for free and take care of filing the license with the Clerk of the Court. The only catch is that they will have to get married at “The Helbing.” The Rev. Sun Myung Moon once married 4,000 “Moonies” at the same ceremony. So, we aren’t likely to set any records for numbers. However, it will be a start of a Helbing tradition.

Now for Rock’s letter. Enjoy.

Dear Kris,

I need you to settle a bet between me and my wife, Lori. We read where retired Shelby Circuit Court Judge Charlie O’Connor was awarded a Sagamore of the Wabash from Governor Holcomb. There was a photograph on the front page of TSN. I think Mr. and Mrs. Sponsel were in the photo along with the judge and Amy McQueen and maybe, J.R. Showers, but no Kris.

We both know that you are a bit of a ham. We knew that had you been present for the event that you would have been in the photo. Lori figured that you were just too busy planning activities to host at “The Helbing” to attend.

I knew better. Having known you since we were kids growing up near Morrison Park, I knew you would never miss such an event. You were the only kid I ever knew who had your own supply of paper plates. You were always first in line at family reunions at the park. It didn’t matter if they were your relations or not. You could always be found wherever free snacks were being served. I suppose the fixings when a Sagamore is bestowed are called complimentary hors d’oeuvres. Anyway, I knew Lori was wrong.

I remembered your recent column reminiscing how you intercepted Jeff Linder’s Sagamore when it was being presented by Governor Pence. Just last week Royal Coxswain and retired Indiana State Trooper Jack Yeend was featured in your column. I put all of these facts together and think I have it figured out.

You probably let it slip when talking to Yeend that you were planning on another Sagamore interception. Yeend then tipped off the Governor’s State Police detail. Governor Holcomb, not wanting you to intercept the Sagamore, had the officers handcuff you to a folding chair in the back of the room, thus preventing you from getting another interception. The officers released you after the presentation of the Sagamore and the photograph. I’m guessing that you didn’t really mind so long as the officers released you before all of the hors d’oeuvres were gone.

So who is right, me or Lori? Also, if I am right, was there one of those State Police abandoned vehicle stickers on your car when you left?

Dear Rock,

I think it was Kurt Vonnegut Jr. who once said to never let the facts ruin a good story. The mental image of me handcuffed to a folding chair in the back of the room during the presentation of the Sagamore of the Wabash to Judge O’Connor should not be ruined. So if you really want to know who is right, you or your wife, you will have to ask someone else who was present.

As to your second question, I’ll just say that I had forgotten just how hard it is to get those stickers off of a car.