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Go big or go home

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Local Shelbyville residents Rosie and Bill Grove joined KrisMeltzer’s impromptu Schwinn think tank before Tuesday’s Candidates Forum at the Shelbyville Middle School.
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Local Shelbyville residents Rosie and Bill Grove joined KrisMeltzer’s impromptu Schwinn think tank before Tuesday’s Candidates Forum at the Shelbyville Middle School.

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Dear readers,

It was great to see so many of you Tuesday at the Candidates Forum at Shelbyville Middle School.

I arrived early with my sharpened No. 2 Ticonderoga pencil, note pad, and list of questions for the candidates. But then, I got sidetracked. I took a few notes talking to loyal readers and fellow citizens. By the time the candidates took the stage, I already had more than enough notes for my column. Enjoy.

Rosie and Bill Grove, long time Shelbyville residents were the first to catch my eye. Rosie asked me how I was dealing with the loss of my Kentucky molar. I told her that the hole where my tooth once lived had healed just fine, but that I was still on a pudding diet. Not because of the missing tooth, but just because I rediscovered how much I like pudding. I explained that for my main course I usually choose a nutritious pudding, either rice or tapioca. I then have a serving of fruit pudding. My favorite is banana. For dessert, I prefer chocolate or butterscotch.

Bill told me that having local dog whisperer and dentist Dr. Jester pull the tooth was a good choice. He noted that Dr. Jester has been around for a long time. Someone once told Bill that if you lined up all of the teeth Dr. Jester pulled in his career, they would go all of the way to Boggstown and back.

A fairly large crowd of fellow citizens had gathered around us by the time that Bill mentioned the tooth line to Boggstown. The conversation then turned to projects to improve our city.

One resident who lives south of Morrison Park said that the houses in his neighborhood were too close together. One fellow in the group said that tearing down every other house would solve that problem and the home owners who remained would have bigger yards. Someone pointed out that it would be impossible for next-door neighbors to decide whose house had to go.

At this point in the conversation, I was reminded of a seminar I once attended. When I first began the practice of law, Chuck Bate, my senior partner would send me out of town to a weekly seminar. I’m not sure if he thought I really needed all of those seminars or if he found me so annoying that he just wanted me out of the office for a day.

Anyway, using problem solving tools I learned at a seminar in French Lick, we came up with a plan to tear every other house down. It would all happen one house at a time on a reality show hosted by Shelbyville’s secret weapon, Rupert.

The families living next door to each other in those houses would be introduced to the TV audience by the host Rupert. Excavating equipment consisting of a wrecking ball and large bulldozer would already be idling in front of the houses. The families would then compete in a contest involving physical skill and team work, similar to “Survivor.”

The losing family would then have only a few minutes to remove family heirlooms before their house would be destroyed before a cheering crowd of onlookers.

So why would anyone sign up to be on this show and risk losing their house you might ask? Because paired with this reality show would be another reality show on HGTV. The loser family would get a bigger house built for them by Chip and Joanna in a new housing development at the edge of town.

The loser would “Go Big” to a new house and the winner would “Go Home” and have a big yard. Thus the name of the show, “Go Big or Go Home.”